If you don't want to read a whiny rant, please don't read this. It's just that I've had this on my mind and I just need to rid my system of it.
I've had this problem all my life. The problem of never feeling good enough. Sometimes the problem is my own- being too sensitive for my own good. Sometimes it has been the fault of others.
For my web friends who don't know much about my past, let's just say that I didn't have an easy childhood. There was abuse, yes, but that's enough material for another loooooong blog post. We won't go into that. But another (I guess it went hand and glove with the abuse) part was the fact that I was never, ever good enough. My handwriting wasn't good enough. I didn't have good enough posture. I didn't walk right. I wasn't tough enough. I was the reason the entire family farm was going to fail and my little sibs weren't going to have the chance to live on the farm and would have to live in town with a little yard and no room to play instead.
And I'm quite aware that this plays into my self-esteem, feeling excluded, and sensitivity issues. I'm also aware that I need to forgive and move on. I need to stop being so sensitive and realize that even if someone DID intend to insult or exclude me, that's their problem, not mine. I know that I'm a child of the King and I shouldn't worry what other people think. I should be myself and rest in that.
But, once in a while these things come up again. Sometimes from my parents. Sometimes from friends.
I can probably count on one hand the people I have felt completely comfortable telling (almost) everything to. Sure, I know I have some others that care about me, but I am never COMPLETELY myself, all the time, except with a few. And even the few that I am comfortable with have hurt me and caused me to withdraw on occasion. I work through it and move on.
Sometimes though, being the perfectionist that I am, I look back and I honestly want to know why these people treated me this way. I want to know so I can fix myself and be more 'likeable' for the next time. Sometimes I just want to ask, "WHY?"
"Why did you just dump me at the amusement park?"
"Why was I not good enough to be invited along on the latest girls trip, hang-out, etc.?"
"Am I too weird?"
"Too loud?"
"Too grown up?"
"Too immature?"
"Too crazy?"
"Too distant?"
"Too intimate?"
"WHAT did I do?"
"WHY?"
I tend to swing between two extremes. When I first meet someone, unless we totally hit it off right away, I'm more reserved, calm, collected, even distant. But once I've gotten know that person and I think that, just maybe, they like me just for who I am, I get comfortable. Probably too comfortable. I laugh too loud. I say really stupid things. I proclaim my opinion just a little too freely. And then, as soon as I get the the wrong look, glimpse someone (maybe) rolling their eyes, etc., I begin to clam up again. I start to go back to being all put together and perfect again. And I hate myself in that mode! I'm just totally not 'me' in that mode.
As I look at our move to a totally new location, I still wonder, still wish somebody would just tell me what's wrong with me. I'm supposed to be a grown-up mom- but often I don't feel grown up. I still feel like that insecure teenager that's trying to figure out how to make people like her, how to be cool.
I try not worry about how I look- I want to be the kind of person that may be overweight, but also has the personality that makes people not even notice that issue. I want to be the kind of person that people say regarding me, "Hey, I didn't even notice that she's on the heavy side until she joked about it! She's so fun to be around!" But I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid of being too much, too overbearing, too weird. I'm constantly questioning myself: "What should I do? How should I act? What should I say?"
I don't know. I'm beginning to run out of words. I just want to ask "Why?" Why have I been excluded, rejected, snobbed so often? Do people really do these things on purpose or just because they could care less about how I feel? Are they trying to tell me something by telling me nothing? These are the very questions that I have cried over. Wondering what I did wrong, how I offended. Why can't I just be normal and liked?
Why can't I just find a happy medium that other people want to have around?
Anyways, thanks for reading this if you got the whole way to the bottom. Maybe I'll feel better now. I don't know why, but maybe I will.
P.S. I promise to blog and get pictures of our move up SOON! And if you are one Facebook and want more regular updates, friend me there. Search for 'Regina Lynn M.'
Comments (6)
Regina,
don't know if this will help or not but, you are not alone in those feelings, I am and feel the exact same way, been treated much the same way and still feel those feelings often, And you're right the only question is WHY. I have been told to learn to accept myself for who I am then I won't notice as much what others do and say (easier said than done) especially from someone that prob. has never gone through it. I think some people are so self-centered they don't realize how they are hurting other people. (At least I hope they don't realize it) Anyway enough of my blabbing. Would love to chat sometime
Darla
I wish there was something that I could say that makes you feel better, except don’t be so hard on yourself, because someone else isn't kind. Ann W.
I can really relate with your post. I have questions for so many people, but I'm starting to realize that I don't need the answers to feel good about myself.
I'm definitely friending you on Facebook.
awww! that sounds rough. i'm sorry you've had to go through all of this!
oh, Gina, I wish I could give you a hug! Although I definitely didn't experience a childhood like yours, I definitely have felt the pain of being "snobbed off" and excluded! May God grant you the peace and strength needed to get through these times when you feel this way! I love "talking" to you and wish you would live around here so maybe we could hang out sometimes! Now go snuggle with your handsome little son and think of all the people who love you.
@JadaFish@xanga - @WasabiBek@xanga - @RoAngie467 - @ann53@xanga - @darlaleid - Thank you all for your sweet, encouraging comments! It's nice to know (again) that there are others who have been/are in my shoes. This is not something I struggle with constantly, although some of you (Janae
) may think that. It comes up once in a while, usually triggered by something that brings all those old feelings and questions up. PTL for those out there who really are my friends, as well as my wonderful hubby! My peeps remind me again, that if others can't stand me, that really is their problem, not mine, much as my self-condemning self wants to feel like it is.
Methinks I should go read my copy of 'Captivating' again. If you've never read that book- read it! Seriously, it always helps me recognize my worth and acceptance in God's eyes and be happy with who I am and who God created me to be. One problem: I think I gave my copy away- oh well, Amazon, here I come, lol!Love you guys!